by Ds. PIET DU TOIT

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA

“But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world” (Gal. 6:14).

The glory of the full revelation of the Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ has had an enormous impact on my life and upon my ministry. Looking back in reflection, I can confidently say that my life is clearly divided into two distinct phases of “before the Cross” and “after the Cross”.

Notwithstanding seven years of theological training which culminated in my being ordained as a full fledged Minister of Religion, I realize, looking back, that I still had a very scant understanding of the deeper work of the Cross. Quite frankly, I had no real comprehension of what actually happened to Jesus on that Cross and even less of an idea of what had happened to me, because of this Cross.

As a result I lived my life in constant striving to “do” in order to “be”. I lived out of the experience of my past and out of my own perception of “who I am” and busied myself zealously in trying to do everything I could to make myself acceptable in a “work program religion”. What I did and my proficiency in doing it, thus became of utmost importance to me. This drove me to endless striving towards building my own little kingdom around myself based on the intensity and vigor of my zeal and performance.

Around that time, it started to become apparent to me that there was no real power in my preaching and no sense of victory in my personal life. I began to earnestly wrestle with my own ‘flesh’ and the sins of the ‘flesh’ which made me feel that, although saved, I was yet still a sinner. I concluded that since I seemed to have had no victory over sin, I therefore needed to work harder to overcome it.

When this course of action failed to bring the results I sought, I began to experience enormous frustration in my inner being. I felt defeated and incompetent and unable to help the very people I was supposed to be ministering to. If I couldn’t even help myself, how could I possibly help others, was the uppermost thought in my mind. I felt a failure and that I lacked worthiness and didn’t belong. My ministry began to waiver and then fell in ruins. I found myself cornered in a dead-end street.

Then I made a wonderful discovery. I discovered that this was actually the best place for me to be in. It dawned on me that I was right in the centre of a ‘desert experience’ where the “self-life” is reduced to an absolute “nil” as I literally ‘came to the end of myself’. It was right there, in this ‘desert experience’ that my spiritual bankruptcy was revealed to me; and, for the first time in my life, I began to hear God’s voice as He came to meet with me in that place, just where I was and just as I was.

It was there in that desert place that I could see for the first time that God, by His Grace, His Love and His Mercy, had ‘brought me out of the captivity of Egypt’ (the ‘Adamic’ bloodline), had saved me through the ‘Red Sea’ of Salvation, had overcome my enemy and had reconciled me back to Himself, ‘in Christ’, through the Cross of Calvary (Col. 1:19-22; 2 Cor. 5:19,20; Rom. 5:10; Eph. 2:16). Thus, I arrived at that blessed point of my life where I had come to ‘the end of myself’ and was prepared to ‘deny “MY-SELF”, take up my Cross daily and follow Jesus’ (Luke 9:23).

I began to understand the true meaning of this Scripture and saw that I needed daily to deny the “self-life” any power, and that ‘taking up my cross daily’ meant that “Christ has died for me, and I have died with Him”. I finally comprehended that great and wonderful mystery that I did not have to ‘work’ or strive to ‘do’ anything, because Christ had already prepared it and done it for me. This brought me to that blessed place of understanding experientially that, as I surrendered and got ‘myself’ out of the way, so Christ would come in and take over and live ‘His life’ in and through me. I had finally ‘exchanged’ my life for His life. At last I lived as a new creation, ‘born again’ from above.

This life changing discovery was the beginning of an exhilarating journey—which continues even today—has lost none of its excitement. Heavenly Father has during this time blessed me by unveiling the Cross piece by piece and by revealing to my understanding truth after truth and mystery after mystery concerning the deeper work of the Cross.

An excerpt From Pastors to Pastors: Testimonies of Revitalized Ministries, edited by Charles R. Solomon (Grace Fellowship International: 2010).